There are days that I am just so darn exhausted that the idea of even just thinking makes me want to cry. I sometimes wonder how I made it through college as a full time (plus extra credits) student, working part time, babysitting, interning, and volunteering all the while maintaining friendships with consistent social interactions. When I graduated I had grand ideas of what I would do with all my free time such as learn sign language, volunteer more, and explore the city. Low and behold, post graduation I have had very little free time. It is amazing how “adulting” kicks in and sucks every last ounce of energy out. There are evenings that I agree to after work activities and as it gets closer to the end of the work day I question my sanity when I agreed to do anything beyond 7pm.
There are days when I ask myself, is it supposed to be like this? Am I supposed to feel completely and utterly drained every day? Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, I enjoy the people I work with, and I feel quite loyal to the agency. Despite my love for it all, I also feel bitter somedays. I feel bitter because my job requires me pouring seemingly endless amount of passion and energy into my work with very little replenishment. There are days when I come home from a nine hour day in the field with a minimum of two hours of paperwork still left to complete.
There are days when tears just sit behind my eyes waiting for permission to fall. I used to be that person that never cried. I could count the number of times I cried during high school, college, and grad school all together on two hands. Since becoming an “adult,” I have lost count of the number of times I have cried. It is hard for me to admit to crying and I am still embarrassed every time I cry in front of someone, yet I think it has been something that I needed to teach me humility as well as to be patient and forgiving with myself. It is teaching me that I need margin in my life and that I am not wonder woman. Every time I have cried in the last year has been a result of extreme exhaustion and a reality check to myself that I need to take a step back and evaluate what I am doing.
There are days like today where I try so hard to push and push myself to do more, but eventually have to give in and listen to my body; when I realize that I am the one making my life hard. This evening I could have worked for hours; instead I chose to put work on hold to take the time to cook dinner. I decided to take my work on my balcony and pay more attention to the sun setting then the paperwork that was calling my name. I managed to finish my work and chose to take the time to write, because that is including some margin in my life.
When is enough, enough?