There are days that I am just so darn exhausted that the idea of even just thinking makes me want to cry. I sometimes wonder how I made it through college as a full time (plus extra credits) student, working part time, babysitting, interning, and volunteering all the while maintaining friendships with consistent social interactions. When I graduated I had grand ideas of what I would do with all my free time such as learn sign language, volunteer more, and explore the city. Low and behold, post graduation I have had very little free time. It is amazing how “adulting” kicks in and sucks every last ounce of energy out. There are evenings that I agree to after work activities and as it gets closer to the end of the work day I question my sanity when I agreed to do anything beyond 7pm.

There are days when I ask myself, is it supposed to be like this? Am I supposed to feel completely and utterly drained every day? Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, I enjoy the people I work with, and I feel quite loyal to the agency. Despite my love for it all, I also feel bitter somedays. I feel bitter because my job requires me pouring seemingly endless amount of passion and energy into my work with very little replenishment. There are days when I come home from a nine hour day in the field with a minimum of two hours of paperwork still left to complete.

There are days when tears just sit behind my eyes waiting for permission to fall. I used to be that person that never cried. I could count the number of times I cried during high school, college, and grad school all together on two hands. Since becoming an “adult,” I have lost count of the number of times I have cried. It is hard for me to admit to crying and I am still embarrassed every time I cry in front of someone, yet I think it has been something that I needed to teach me humility as well as to be patient and forgiving with myself. It is teaching me that I need margin in my life and that I am not wonder woman. Every time I have cried in the last year has been a result of extreme exhaustion and a reality check to myself that I need to take a step back and evaluate what I am doing.

There are days like today where I try so hard to push and push myself to do more, but eventually have to give in and listen to my body; when I realize that I am the one making my life hard. This evening I could have worked for hours; instead I chose to put work on hold to take the time to cook dinner. I decided to take my work on my balcony and pay more attention to the sun setting then the paperwork that was calling my name. I managed to finish my work and chose to take the time to write, because that is including some margin in my life.

When is enough, enough?



One Comment Add yours

  1. Aww, Christiana, I love you. (((Hugs))) Grandma


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