Here’s the thing…
We are five days into the new year and it has been a roller coaster already. I have spent quite some time now thinking about what in my life needs changing. I have been trying to figure out who the heck I am and what on earth I want to do with my life.
At the end of every year the “new year, new me” slogan starts circulating. Everywhere you turn, it’s there. There is something about the new year that seems so refreshing and the perfect time to start over. Every year the anticipation of the new year builds. As the ten second count down begins, I find myself experiencing the same excitement as I did in previous years. The count down ends and everyone lets out a loud “Happy New Year!” Glasses are clinked together, toasts are made, kisses are shared, and then the realization that absolutely nothing but the calendar year has changed sinks in. Every year, I look forward to those sixty seconds of pure enthusiasm and every year I question why.
I love change yet I fear it all at the same time. When things in my life don’t go the way I want, I long to run. I find every way to push limits, boundaries, and test myself. Only occasionally does it back fire. For the most part, it benefits me. I experience life in new ways and try new things. For example, in 2014 I became quite restless and therefore determined to spend as much of my summer break traveling as I could. So, I went to Virginia Beach, Outer Banks, Canada, New Jersey, New York City, Catskills, Virginia Beach again, and Florida.
I have planned multiple road trips because sometimes I get the urge to run, but simply cannot do so. Therefore, I sit down and plan ultimate road trips. A while back I planned a road trip to Alaska, driving through Canada one way and through the United States the other.
So, here I am, once again at a place in my life where I just want to run. I have spent the last few weeks thinking about decisions that I have made in my life recently and going over them again and again. I try to live my life in the best way that I can and attempt to not focus on regrets, but on learning experiences. In that case, I realized that I do not even have to try to “not” regret my decisions. I do not regret any of them. While life has presented a unique round of difficulties, I have learned more about myself in the last six months than I have in quite some time.
I recognize that some of the decisions I have made were not in my best interest. I did some things that I am not thrilled about (as we all do). I could have avoided a lot of hurt had I made different decisions, but you know what? It was worth it.
That brings me to the whole reason I wanted to write tonight. Recently, my good friend, Miranda, shared a blog titled |FIND| or |CREATE|?. Her blog got me thinking about who I really am and who I really want to be. Time and time again the feeling of not knowing who I am passes through. I question my identity and feel at a loss as to how to figure it out. Miranda’s blog helped shed some light on how we really should address questions of our identity.
We are whoever we want to be. No one can tell us or make us be someone that we don’t want to be. People may influence our decisions and life choices, but ultimately the choice is ours. As a Christian, I seek to pursue God’s calling on my life. After thinking, praying, and studying about this for a long time I have come to firmly believe that God places callings on our lives, but that doesn’t always mean that He has a specific time or place for that calling to be fulfilled. I have been called to work with children. I can literally fulfill that calling anywhere. It is possible that God will give me a more specific calling down the road, but for now I will serve children anywhere and everywhere that I see fit. He has given me the skills and the passion to fulfill my calling, now it is up to me to do so.
Now, when it comes to who I am as a person… I am still far from becoming the person I have the potential to be, but I am ever so slowly changing my outlook on life and it is allowing me to become a happier and more productive person. Instead of dwelling on past mistakes, I am learning from them and becoming a stronger person because of them. Instead of agonizing over what my next step in life is, I am trying to enjoy where I am and trusting that the right opportunity will come along all in due time.