Patience is key, yet patience is what I struggle with every single day.
I had plans for my life. I had dreams that I was dead set on and I had a path laid out before me to live out those dreams. I knew what the next five years of my life were going to look like. I had plans.
I had everything I dreamed of within my grasp. I was holding on tight to what I thought was what God had given me. I saw what I wanted, I took it, and I held on for dear life. As time passed, I began to doubt that what I was holding on to so tightly was really from God. I mean, if God had given it to me, why was I holding on as if it was going to disappear at any moment? Questions began to creep into my mind: Is this really from God? Is this really what you want? Are you really happy?
I spent months and months trying to answer these questions. Of course it was from God. I would not be having such a difficult time letting go if it was not from God, right? God would not want me to give up my dreams, would He? So I kept holding on with white knuckles. I think that the more I doubted that these things were from God, the tighter my grip became.
One day, I decided to really pray about my situation. My hands were getting tired from holding on, and I wanted to let go with the security that I would not lose anything. I cried out to God asking Him to lead me in the right direction and to reassure me that these things that I was holding were indeed from Him. I did not get an answer right away, which (surprise surprise) frustrated me. I still did not have an answer and I was beyond impatient. However, I continued to pray and suddenly, my prayers were answered.
I began praying with the belief that God was just going to give me assurance and tell me to keep walking my merry way; boy was I wrong. He answered my prayers by telling me that what I was holding onto was not in His plan for my life and that I needed to let go. I was shocked. I could not believe that God would have given me everything I thought that I wanted, only to take it away from me. However, He blessed me with this overwhelming peace that I cannot describe, and helped me open my hand and let go.
The moment I opened my hand, I let go of all of my plans. I erased the path that had been drawn before me. I opened up a whole new world. I struggled with this new unfamiliar lack of knowledge. One day I had dreams and I had means to live out those dreams; then the next day I still had dreams, but I had been pushed back to square one with absolutely nothing. It was one of the hardest and scariest decisions I have ever had to make.
Even though it was difficult and it left me feeling empty, slowly but surely, God began to fill the void in my heart. He began to show me how to enjoy not having a detailed plan of the next five years of my life. He taught me that as long as I trust Him and follow Him, I do not need to know the next step. He showed me that HIS plans are so much better than mine. I struggle with control all of the time, I am constantly praying that God will continue to teach me to surrender completely to Him. He is showing me that the life I had planned for myself was not the most fulfilling life. He is leading me down paths that I could never have imagined for myself and I am so excited to see what He has for me.
As He leads me through life and directs me in His will, I am being taught patience. Recently, God has opened a door that could potentially lead to fulfilling some of my biggest dreams for my life. I am incredibly grateful for His guidance and direction, but sometimes I forget to walk and I take off sprinting. I do not want to take the time to enjoy each stage in life, I want to jump to the parts of life that I look forward to most. Luckily, God has placed some very level headed people in my life and He uses them to remind me to walk leisurely and enjoy the little things. It is not easy and I feel like I end up crying out to God on a regular basis asking Him to show me where I am going. Without fail, He comforts me and continues to hold my hand as I slowly learn patience and to enjoy each and every step of each and every day.