A while back I wrote a blog, but never posted it. Its primary purpose was to serve as a vent session when I was struggling with some different things on my mind. Six months later and I went back to reread it and decided it was time to post. So much has changed since I initially wrote the post, yet so much has stayed the same. I don’t necessarily feel the same way anymore. I am happy being in grad school and not be married. However, the fact that getting married and having my own family has been my dream since day one will never change.
Am I rushing it? No.
That doesn’t mean that I still don’t want it more than anything else. On the other hand, life is presenting some exciting and new opportunities that I never would have even considered in the past. As always, life is keeping me on my toes and is, of course, a storm you can weather.
Sometimes I forget that I am only twenty. At only twenty society says that I should be a sophomore or junior in college. Society says that I should be going out every Friday night and partying with my friends. Society says I should be enjoying “the good ole’ years” because I’m only young once.
I forget I am only twenty because I don’t fit in to any of these categories. Several times over the last few months I have been asked if I was in college. My answer surprises me almost as much as it surprises the people who ask the question. Yes, I am in college. I am in grad school. How can that be? When people ask me how old I am I still want to tell them I am eighteen. I feel like I graduated high school yesterday. How am I already a college graduate? Then, on the other end there are my colleagues who are unaware of my age and assume that I am at least twenty-two. When I turn down their invitations to go to a bar they attribute it to my beliefs, while that is partly true, ultimately it is because I am not yet twenty-one. I have learned that when I inform those that I socialize with in a professional setting that I am so young, they begin to treat me differently. I have been called a “baby” more times than I can count. It doesn’t bother me too much, but it gets to me some times. I don’t understand how people can treat me one way for months, years, but as soon as they discover that I am a youngin’ they suddenly change the way they treat me.
I am twenty with a bachelor’s degree and in one year will have a master’s degree. While that is incredible to some and beyond my twenty years, I can’t help but feel as if I am lagging behind. I am twenty without a marriage, without talk of a family of my own. It is always easier to focus on what we don’t have rather than the amazing things that we do have. All of my life the only thing I have ever wanted is a family. I had no interest in going to college. I almost didn’t. I am so thankful that my parents pushed me to go to college, but I still feel like I could have done without. I am attending grad school, but part of me wants a reason to quit. The one thing I have always wanted is not yet mine. I know that it will be one day, but the two year old in me says, “I want it now!” Patience grasshopper.
I am only twenty, but I forget that so often. I forget what being twenty means. When I was younger I used to think about how I could not wait to get married and have a family. I thought about the idea of getting married at eighteen if the opportunity presented itself and wanting to start a family by the time I turned twenty-one. I had very specific ideations of what my life would look like. Now, I am twenty and not married, not going to be starting a family in the next year. That is pretty normal now a days, in fact, it is some times frowned upon to get married so young. I tell myself that I have my whole life ahead of me and that I am still young, but I can’t help but feel like time is slipping away. I think that my idea of starting a family at twenty-one sunk too deep in to my mind and the closer I get to twenty-one, the more restless and impatient I get. It feels as if I am so behind. But I am only twenty. This week the anxiety of being behind of the schedule I had set for myself so many years ago really hit me hard. It was a difficult week for me and it took several days to get myself to realize that I have so much in my life to be grateful for and that I needed to stop wishing for more. God has been using this time in my life to teach me patience and to let go of control. I have no control over these things and it kills me. My anxiety stems from the lack of control over these aspects of my life and every few months I am hit with an anxiety attack that is followed by a short stint of depression. I am learning to give it over to Christ and trust that He has plans for my life that are beyond what I could ever imagine. There is a reason that things have not gone as I dreamed they would. One day I will be able to look back at these time in my life and smile. I will be able to see the amazing things that God did in my life and how His plans really were better than mine.
It is just really difficult to focus on that now.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.”