Am I Good Enough?

I am a sore loser.
In a sense, I take criticism well. I always take it to heart and make adjustments where needed, but often I take it to heart far too heavily. That little voice whispers, “you’re not good enough.” My self-expectations are set to an unrealistic standard. I shy away from learning curves and jump in full force right off the bat. What does this do in the long run? It sets me up for failure.

No one can jump in and be great from the get go, it takes time. Not only do my self-expectations set me up for failure, but they make failing that much easier.

It’s Tuesday and I’ve been ready to call it quits on this week since Sunday night. It has been one of those weeks where one thing after another has gone wrong, and quite frankly, nothing has seemed to go right. It has led me to that feeling of wanting to just give up. Our kitchen flooded, I started thinking about how when the lease ends I’m out (we signed our lease October 1st by the way). I made a stupid mistake at work, I jumped to thinking I’m not cut out for this: did I choose the wrong field?

Ridiculous, I know. Things go wrong at any apartment, thankfully the maintenance crew responded within the hour. I have been at my {first post grad} job for one month, of course I made a stupid mistake. Yet I cannot shake the extreme feelings of just wanting to walk away. I can think of a handful of comfortable jobs that would make life a lot easier, they sound appealing. Having a set schedule everyday, please. Knowing what everyday would look like for the most part, does that exist?

But that is not why I am here. I am not here to be comfortable.

I spent a lot of time in scripture and in prayer this week as I could not get myself out of the rut I was stuck in. It was not a fleeting thought of, “I’m not good enough,” but was becoming a genuine core belief.

Galations 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Philippians 2:13 “For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”

Both of these verses were a part of my current devotional and I could not have read them at a better time. Of course with a job, I am seeking to please people. I have to meet my agency’s requirements and I have to serve my clients, but that should not be my sole focus. If I seek to please God and work in His will, then everything else will come together. As soon as my focus strays from acting as God’s vessel, everything else will quickly fall apart {as experienced}. My purpose here is not to be the best therapist in the District, nor to swoop in and change the world for my clients. My purpose is to be a vessel of Christ and allow Him to do His work through me.  If that looks like being the best therapist in the District and swooping in to change the world for my clients, then so be it! But it may not look like that. It may look like long unpredictable days talking to kids who want to tell me everything or don’t even want to tell me their name. It may look like hearing heart wrenching stories about abuse and pain. It may look like wanting to just go home and cry when nothing goes right.

Ultimately, what does it matter?
As long as my focus remains firm and my purpose stays true, then everything else is just temporary, because this is not for me. This is for Christ and this is for those kids that have never understood what love truly means. I am not called to comfortable sit behind a desk, but to work unpredictable hours while Christ uses me to make a difference in the lives of His children.