This week has been a week of emotions. I have felt angry, sad, happy, and everything in between. I haven’t just felt these emotions in normal waves, but I have felt them in all of their intensity. Life right now is pretty good. I am truly happy with where I am and everything that God has blessed me with. However, life is not great for some of the people I love the most.
For the first time in several years, I have had four and a half weeks free of any obligations. Everything that I have done in the last month has been voluntary, not enforced by a syllabus or work schedule. I have kept myself plenty busy, but I am starting to notice the effect all of this “free time” is having on me. I started my first grad school class, but it is a low key online class that will run through most of the Summer. I don’t start a full time class load until September. On top of not having a busy school schedule, I currently do not hold a job. I have had some kind of job since my Junior year in high school (yes, internships count). I am grateful for this time that I have been given to just do whatever the heart desires and not have to feel stressed trying to work everything around school and jobs. But. There is always a but. I am getting restless. I don’t necessarily want the schedule a job provides, but I feel useless not working. I have a job lined up for part of the Summer and am thankful that I will still get some free time before I sell my soul to grad school, but I am definitely stuck on a teeter totter. I want to be busy, I want to have no obligations.
While I have had all of this time to myself, so many things have happened. Good things and bad things have come barreling from all directions and have had my emotions on some kind of insane roller coaster. Even though I have felt every single emotion known to man, the one to stick with me this week has been anger. I have felt so much anger towards others, towards myself, and just in general. I know that it is not healthy to dwell on anger for too long, but I have not been able to shake it. For some, I have had a legitimate reason to be angry, but others it has just been random anger. I don’t know if I have just been holding it in for so long and this is my bubble over or what, but I am done with this anger. Then, it doesn’t help that I don’t have a whole lot to do to occupy my mind. Instead, I have time and more time to dwell on the fact that I am angry.
When I get angry I become very passive aggressive. My sentences get shorter and my verbal emotions flat line. I hate it when people are passive aggressive, so I guess it makes sense that that is exactly what I do. It is something that I have come to recognize about myself. Over the years I have used the passive aggression to drive important people out of my life. it is almost a defense mechanism. I get so close to someone and then my mind kicks in to over drive and decides it is time to drive them away. Fortunately, people have seen through and pushed right back, but it is something that I am desperately trying to change. Who wants to be around someone who every so often is trying to push them out of their life? Not me.
What is the point of this blog post? I am not sure. Maybe it was just a place to vent or an attempt to make sense of the ramblings of my mind. Whatever the point, let’s move on from anger.