Sometimes it is difficult to remember why we are here. We voluntarily put ourselves in to situations and then once we have a moment to sit back and realize what we have done, we question why.
This has been the theme as of late. It has been a roller coaster full of: Am I doing what I am supposed to be doing? With the occasional: I love what I do! Then back to: What on earth was I thinking?
Here’s the thing…
Am I good enough? A question that has passed through all of our minds at one point or another. Whether it was about a relationship, a job, or a general doubt of not being enough. It is a question that unfortunately we all want to answer ‘no’ to on occasion. It is a question that has come up over and over again for me over the last few weeks.
I just started a new job in the crazy city of DC. I just wrapped up week four at a job where I get to spend my days talking to children (that I call ‘my kids’) who have mood disorders, behavior disorders, and/or have experienced some sort of trauma. I love it, I really do, but am I good enough to do it?
How did I end up here? How am I supposed to make a difference? How is a little white girl from small town West Virginia supposed to change DC? How is the girl with hair to her waist, that still looks like she is in high school, supposed to be taken seriously in a city where status is everything? Culture is everything and my culture just does not fit here nor do I fit into the culture of DC. When my kids talk to me about racial hate crimes committed towards their friends and family, I cannot tell them that I understand. I do not understand. How is the girl who had a pretty perfect childhood supposed to help the kids that were left alone to take care of themselves at age three because their parents were too high to remember that they had another human being to care for? How is the girl who talks to both of her parents on a regular basis supposed to explain to a child who has been in eight foster homes in the last year that he/she is wanted and loved?
I do not know how I got put in this position. Well, technically, I do. I went to school and got two degrees. Then I took a test to get my official ‘license to practice.’ I applied to jobs and interviewed. At which point an agency said, “hey, this girl has no post graduate experience, but she went to school, passed the test, and smiles a lot.” and hired me. Don’t get me wrong, I worked hard for my degrees and my license. I studied a lot and got good grades, but these are people’s lives. These are the lives of individuals that have faced one obstacle after another.
Am I good enough? Because these people deserve the absolute best.
Ultimately, I know why I am here. I am here because I am called to be. The moment I began working with children in the city during my graduate internship, I knew God wanted me here. Truthfully, I am not good enough and no amount of job or life experience is going to change that. However, despite not being good enough, God is going to use me for greatness. He is going to use me to reach my kids, to be the light in their little lives that are so full of darkness. I may not be able to relate to the child who has never experienced the love of two parents, but I can ensure that that child knows that they are loved and that they are wanted. I may never be able to understand what it feels like to be verbally or physically attacked due to my race, but I can provide a safe space where a child will never feel unequal or unsafe. I may not know what it feels like to be abandonded, but I can show the love of the one that will never abandon any of His children.