I’m Not Good Enough

Am I Good Enough?

I am a sore loser.
In a sense, I take criticism well. I always take it to heart and make adjustments where needed, but often I take it to heart far too heavily. That little voice whispers, “you’re not good enough.” My self-expectations are set to an unrealistic standard. I shy away from learning curves and jump in full force right off the bat. What does this do in the long run? It sets me up for failure.

No one can jump in and be great from the get go, it takes time. Not only do my self-expectations set me up for failure, but they make failing that much easier.

It’s Tuesday and I’ve been ready to call it quits on this week since Sunday night. It has been one of those weeks where one thing after another has gone wrong, and quite frankly, nothing has seemed to go right. It has led me to that feeling of wanting to just give up. Our kitchen flooded, I started thinking about how when the lease ends I’m out (we signed our lease October 1st by the way). I made a stupid mistake at work, I jumped to thinking I’m not cut out for this: did I choose the wrong field?

Ridiculous, I know. Things go wrong at any apartment, thankfully the maintenance crew responded within the hour. I have been at my {first post grad} job for one month, of course I made a stupid mistake. Yet I cannot shake the extreme feelings of just wanting to walk away. I can think of a handful of comfortable jobs that would make life a lot easier, they sound appealing. Having a set schedule everyday, please. Knowing what everyday would look like for the most part, does that exist?

But that is not why I am here. I am not here to be comfortable.

I spent a lot of time in scripture and in prayer this week as I could not get myself out of the rut I was stuck in. It was not a fleeting thought of, “I’m not good enough,” but was becoming a genuine core belief.

Galations 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Philippians 2:13 “For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”

Both of these verses were a part of my current devotional and I could not have read them at a better time. Of course with a job, I am seeking to please people. I have to meet my agency’s requirements and I have to serve my clients, but that should not be my sole focus. If I seek to please God and work in His will, then everything else will come together. As soon as my focus strays from acting as God’s vessel, everything else will quickly fall apart {as experienced}. My purpose here is not to be the best therapist in the District, nor to swoop in and change the world for my clients. My purpose is to be a vessel of Christ and allow Him to do His work through me.  If that looks like being the best therapist in the District and swooping in to change the world for my clients, then so be it! But it may not look like that. It may look like long unpredictable days talking to kids who want to tell me everything or don’t even want to tell me their name. It may look like hearing heart wrenching stories about abuse and pain. It may look like wanting to just go home and cry when nothing goes right.

Ultimately, what does it matter?
As long as my focus remains firm and my purpose stays true, then everything else is just temporary, because this is not for me. This is for Christ and this is for those kids that have never understood what love truly means. I am not called to comfortable sit behind a desk, but to work unpredictable hours while Christ uses me to make a difference in the lives of His children.



Am I Good Enough?

Sometimes it is difficult to remember why we are here. We voluntarily put ourselves in to situations and then once we have a moment to sit back and realize what we have done, we question why.

This has been the theme as of late. It has been a roller coaster full of: Am I doing what I am supposed to be doing? With the occasional: I love what I do! Then back to: What on earth was I thinking?

Here’s the thing…

Am I good enough? A question that has passed through all of our minds at one point or another. Whether it was about a relationship, a job, or a general doubt of not being enough. It is a question that unfortunately we all want to answer ‘no’ to on occasion. It is a question that has come up over and over again for me over the last few weeks.

I just started a new job in the crazy city of DC. I just wrapped up week four at a job where I get to spend my days talking to children (that I call ‘my kids’) who have mood disorders, behavior disorders, and/or have experienced some sort of trauma. I love it, I really do, but am I good enough to do it?

How did I end up here? How am I supposed to make a difference? How is a little white girl from small town West Virginia supposed to change DC? How is the girl with hair to her waist, that still looks like she is in high school, supposed to be taken seriously in a city where status is everything? Culture is everything and my culture just does not fit here nor do I fit into the culture of DC. When my kids talk to me about racial hate crimes committed towards their friends and family, I cannot tell them that I understand. I do not understand. How is the girl who had a pretty perfect childhood supposed to help the kids that were left alone to take care of themselves at age three because their parents were too high to remember that they had another human being to care for? How is the girl who talks to both of her parents on a regular basis supposed to explain to a child who has been in eight foster homes in the last year that he/she is wanted and loved?

I do not know how I got put in this position. Well, technically, I do. I went to school and got two degrees. Then I took a test to get my official ‘license to practice.’ I applied to jobs and interviewed. At which point an agency said, “hey, this girl has no post graduate experience, but she went to school, passed the test, and smiles a lot.” and hired me. Don’t get me wrong, I worked hard for my degrees and my license. I studied a lot and got good grades, but these are people’s lives. These are the lives of individuals that have faced one obstacle after another.
Am I good enough? Because these people deserve the absolute best.

Ultimately, I know why I am here. I am here because I am called to be. The moment I began working with children in the city during my graduate internship, I knew God wanted me here. Truthfully, I am not good enough and no amount of job or life experience is going to change that. However, despite not being good enough, God is going to use me for greatness. He is going to use me to reach my kids, to be the light in their little lives that are so full of darkness. I may not be able to relate to the child who has never experienced the love of two parents, but I can ensure that that child knows that they are loved and that they are wanted.  I may never be able to understand what it feels like to be verbally or physically attacked due to my race, but I can provide a safe space where a child will never feel unequal or unsafe. I may not know what it feels like to be abandonded, but I can show the love of the one that will never abandon any of His children.